INDIANAPOLIS — There are many ways to describe the fountains of nonsense that orbit around the Super Bowl, but the best way is probably that it is a towering monument to the most American of bullspit, as an overdubbed movie might put it.

The Playboy party will take place at a Hampton Inn; Paris Hilton will be at the ESPN “Next” party, despite being a relic of the past; a ticket to one of the Leather and Laces parties featuring Carmen Electra, Jenny McCarthy and the woman known as ‘JWoww’ costs up to $850, which is coincidentally what sensible people should be paid to attend. It is a great stinking soup of money and power, celebrities and their reflected glow.

But some of the glow is genuine, even if it attracts the most obsequious of moths. And so, we come to Madonna, who will be the halftime act at the Super Bowl on Sunday, and appeared Thursday to speak to the media. Would she employ her thin veneer of an English accent? Would she be pompous? Would she be naked? She hadn’t done that for a while, but it seemed wise to be mentally prepared.

She was none of those things. She was OK. The modern American celebrity journalism machine, however, filled in the BS for her.

Q. “Shaun Robinson of Access Hollywood, also a Michigan girl, out of Detroit, yay! I know that you are probably partial to the Giants, I’m assuming . . . right? Maybe, maybe not. But what has it been like getting your rundown, your list together of songs that you are going to sing for one of the biggest audiences you have ever performed in front of?”

A. “I have to say over 25 years of performing that I’ve done, I have never worked so hard, or been so studious, or detail-oriented, or freaked out as much I have maintaining my sanity and trying to make the most (amazing) show for the Super Bowl.”

This is not to say there was no news. Madonna wore a black high-cut pinstriped vest and matching flood-style pants, plus a bejewelled middle section and fingerless black gloves, and we learned she has a pulled hamstring from rehearsals, and that she is dedicating this performance to her father because he is a Midwesterner who taught her work ethic, and she will sing three old songs and one new song, accompanied by Cirque du Soleil.

Also, she would choose a Saturday night with Eli Manning over Tom Brady because he is from New York, home of athletes she has dated in the past, such as Alex Rodriguez, and also she lives there and would not want to waste gasoline.

Q. “Hi Madonna, Megan Alexander, Inside Edition, congratulations on the Golden Globe for W.E., incredible job. You just spoke about prayers, lots of prayers needed. Besides the players, you’re perhaps the one other person who can understand the incredible amount of pressure that one feels at an event like the Super Bowl, and we heard today that Gisele Bundchen, wife of Tom Brady, sent around an email asking people to pray for her husband. Your thoughts on that?”

A. “I think that’s great. She’s a good wife.”

She interrupted a question from 23-year-old Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle Gerald McCoy with “I have love for 23-year-olds” before he issued a doomed request for a kiss. And when asked if she thought Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski would play despite his sprained ankle, Madonna said, “Well, a lot of people would say that I’m a bit of a masochist. I would just tape my ankle and say prayers, take an anti-inflammatory, and get my butt out there. Does that answer the question?”

Q. “Bill Plaschke, L.A. Times. How can you guarantee against a wardrobe malfunction, and given your history is that something you’re thinking about?”

A. “Great attention to detail has been paid to my wardrobe. There will be no wardrobe malfunction, promise.”

And of course, eventually we got down to the brass tacks, as it were.

Q. “The Super Bowl is such a perfect blend of entertainment and sports, and I know that you’ve spent time with athletes, Alex Rodriguez being one of them. Is it true that he has an oil painting of himself as a centaur, half-man, half-horse?”

A. “Wow. If he does, I haven’t seen it. But I’m pretty sure that he does have a very large photograph of me, lying on a horse.”

It was, of course, reported several years ago that Rodriguez did, in fact, have such a painting. Two, in fact. Finally, a child reporter asked, “What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in our city so far, in Indy.” Madonna looked at her kindly, waited a beat, and simply said, “Me.”

American bullspit. There’s nothing quite like it.

National Post

barthur@nationalpost.com

Twitter.com/bruce—arthur